Impact Bumping

From the files of - Only in America

Tue, 15 May 2012 18:14:59 +0100

I saw this once before and it was re posted in PPOT in the Worst Forums Ever thread. Its only NSFW because you will laugh out loud.

Classic:
"All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1.Occupied.

2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3.Poo on seat.

4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the ****ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my *beep*-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid *beep* had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My *beep*-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a
fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him unning out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous *beep*-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to *beep* in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom."

Mobile auto electrician

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:34:17 +0100

Can anyone recommend a mobile auto electrician in the Croydon/Caterham area?

Alternatively can anyone suggest why my Fiat 500 number plate lights won't work, even when there is power there?

future of car racing!

Mon, 14 May 2012 17:32:26 +0100

Is it how car racing is going to look in a near future!?

Barcelona F1

Mon, 14 May 2012 14:29:30 +0100

I actually managed to watch the entire race start to finish (and only did a little bit of fast forwarding ). What a good race.

I thought "Money bags Maldonado" was supposed to be some hopeless pay driver who only got a seat because of oil money. Who knew he could drive? and fast? and consistent?

Alonso and the red car team still get my kudos for consistently getting the most out of a les than perfect package.

Best bit? Alonso's skids on the 3rd last (IIRC) lap. Now how can we get everyone to start on 20+ lap old tyres. Be just like 800hp single seaters on a tarmac rally. Kimi should feel right at home. Genius!

Had a test ride today... and yes it's red :-)

Sat, 12 May 2012 19:20:19 +0100

My first year service on the Hypermotard was due. I am very busy during the week in Surrey, so the Ducati dealer offered to come and pick up my bike, service it and deliver it back home one week later.
The workshop manager called me up yesterday, apologetically said he forgot about their van being busy for the race season (they have a successful race team) and proposed I show up next day to have a service while I wait.

I arrived at the dealer bright and early, and the conversation about what to do while my Ducati was being checked quickly resulted in being lent this for 1-2 hours:

2012 Ducati 1199 Panigale S. I've never been a fan of faired bikes - with three exceptions. MV Agusta F4, 2004 Yamaha R1, and this...

It looks very high tech - and it has a fantastic colour LCD display with settings and options and active suspension and all that... and yet when you start the engine it vibrates and rattles and smokes like a quintessential Italian motorcycle. Loved it

The weather was a bit cold (14�C) but nice and sunny. Started out in "rain" mode, limited to 120hp and still managed to stall it at a traffic light. No this one is not made to sit in a saturday morning traffic jam... left Coventry and headed back towards Stratford, changing the mode to the standard "sport" setting. 195hp. That's more like it... Fantastic acceleration and SOUND!

One hour went by very quickly, and before I handed it back I stopped and took some pictures - sorry for not having chosen a nicer location, but I was too busy enjoying the ride

Now now.. would I be tempted to purchase one? I am not greedy and I'll say NO... I do sometimes one track day a year and my Hypermotard is so much better everywhere else... more civilised, less noisy (my ears are still whistling, I forgot my earplugs) and less likely to get me in trouble. On a nice day, if you have 195hp available you tend to use as many as you can!

It is however a beautiful machine... I worked on the two earlier generation 999 and technology really has progressed a lot in twelve years! What a morning. Utterly enjoyable, it made my day.

R.I.P. Carrol Shelby.

Sat, 12 May 2012 06:54:52 +0100

11 May 2012 - Carroll Shelby has passed away at the age of 89 after being hospitalised for pneumonia.

Legend is a word used to often, but this guy truly was a Legend.

http://www.impactbumpers.com/forum/index.php?act=attach&type=post&id=12580

Tyres

Fri, 11 May 2012 13:22:01 +0100

Tried Black Circles and etyres.

Need some rears but the fronts are some 6 years old (plenty of tread though) and are not a brand ive heard of.

Im guessing the board advice would be to replace all 4 with a premium brand?

I only tend to do around 1,500 miles a year. My try and take in a track day too if I can.

Have read all the posts and the general concensus tends to be around SO2's, Conti Sports, Dunlop SP Sports or Toyos.

Any other suggestions welcomed.

MOT today

Fri, 11 May 2012 11:11:43 +0100

Always get a bit nervy.

Bent conrod

Fri, 11 May 2012 06:52:33 +0100

ABS or not

Thu, 10 May 2012 21:24:19 +0100

Just wondered people's opinions, obviously not on IB , but other applications.

Personally on anything serious, throw it in the bin, there is a use for it in more mass market applications , but is it like Parking sensors where people begin to rely on it and it contributes to the dumbing down of driving skills, it does get people out of trouble in day to day use, but It has never saved me in a sticky situation but it has definitely made matters worse on more than one occasion.

WRC and F1 don't use it, not sure of current F1 regulations but still allowed in wrc, just nobody uses it. It does take an element of control away from the driver, being able to lock the wheels intentionally can help you change direction very quickly if needed, Porsche Motorsport ABS enables the driver to lock the wheels if required, allowing them to spin the car if needed.

I think ABS just encourages you to use the brake pedal like a switch, rather than feeling for the grip and responding, but then again I was chatting to a well known racing driver mate the other day and he admitted that even now when ABS cuts in and the pedal starts to pulse he naturally comes back off the pedal, as do I, when really you should keep braking and let the car do some work,

Bit like traction control I suppose.......